=/ this weekend was miserable, aside from sarah's party, which was great. but... the bad parts in it sadly outweigh any fun and happiness i may have had. i spent alot of time doing homework at odd times, like 2 in the morning. i was zoning out alot and felt at a loss... =/.
i was moping around most of the days. it sucked. and im still sad. if anything, things have only gotten worse...
i miss him incredibly. but he's mad at me, and it's not my fault. im just protective, just happened to get defensive, just had to make sure. i trust him, i swear i do. but... i just had to make sure. im that kind of person who needs to constantly be re-assured about everything.
i hope everything turns out ok, because i would be devastated if anything happened to us. i dont think he quite grasps it, but he means alot to me. at first, in the beginning, i wondered if i would come to love him. i worried, because i came to love someone before and it ended nowhere... just brought me down. im sick of opening up, starting over. i want something static; something that i can rely on. something... that will always be there, someone who knows me best...
i want him to be that for me. and i wondered... if i would come to love him... come to miss him... i see now that i do, very much. i want us to be together... for real. i want this long-term, so i know we can get past these little things, and forgive and forget... i apologize, but apparently it meant nothing.
losing him would be painful. im happy with him, i like where we are, and as much as i hate to say this, i see ourselves together in the future... as early as this is... ive come to be quite the dreamer, and he's only fueled my hope for us... i'm quite the illusionist, as it turns out...
he's my fresh start.. and i dont want to let him go. for once, i feel like we can get somewhere... but i dont want to be alone...
even though this may turn out to be nothing, i still worry. i still see the worst case scenario, as much as i hate to... but it's always good to be on your feet.
funny; i felt this coming. i had these weird senses of de'ja'vu at sarah's house, and i wondered what it couldve meant... only... it felt off... it felt like a warning of something bad... and it was true... at that point, some time that night, i was sick of the suspense. cuz it's killing me.
i know we'll pull through, but i cant help this simple little thing that has me worried as hell and a nervous wreck...
maybe it's an overreaction, but i couldnt take the suspense when he said he wasnt sure about us, or if he loved me... i cant take it.
my heartbeat's been in my head all day, and i feel dizzy and weak.